


You ask for the truth (but you know you could do so much better)

by lovers_in_combat



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Episode Related, Episode: s02e08 Love is a Devil, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-21
Updated: 2017-02-21
Packaged: 2018-09-26 02:05:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,558
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9857051
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lovers_in_combat/pseuds/lovers_in_combat
Summary: Magnus is his peace. His safe place. Magnus is where he comes when everything else around him threatens to consume him. He is completely safe in the knowledge that Magnus will catch Alec if he starts to fall.Alec just needs to convince Magnus that it works both ways.The much debated end of episode 2.07 and then follows the events of 2.08 through Alec's POV. Strong episode spoilers for 2.08. Please see the notes at the top of the piece before you read.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This is completely episode compliant for 2.07 and 2.08. That includes the potentially triggering event involving Alec at the end of episode 2.08. Do not read if you haven't seen the episode. 
> 
> Trigger warning: suicidal thoughts/suicide attempt. - I didn't want to tag it due to spoilers. Seriously, don't read if you haven't read the episode or if you don't want to relieve that particular scene.

“I want this” he says, looking at Magnus and hoping against hope that the other man can see just how much Alec means it. How he means it in a way that he doesn’t have words for yet. 

Honestly, the way Magnus makes him feel, Alec isn’t sure he’ll ever have words for. Which is how he knows that this is right. This isn’t about anyone but them and how for the past several days, ever since their date to the Hunters Moon when Alec chose Magnus again, this time not to prove a point but because he wanted Magnus, baggage and all, this is all he’s been able to think about. 

He kisses Magnus again, wanting to reassure him in a way that words are failing him right now. For all the fierceness in his own kiss he’s pleased when Magnus surges against him, meeting him in the middle with just as much strength and force and passion as Alec is giving to him. He pushes at Magnus and the Warlock lets him. They stumble down the hall, hands moving over each other, catching in clothes and jewellery and teeth biting at lips and harsh breaths in each others ears. Alec swears he can hear the pounding of his own heart against the clash of teeth. 

They stop only when the backs of their legs hit the bed, and Magnus breaks away, breathing rapidly. Alec strokes his thumb across Magnus' jaw, and struggles with his own breathing. They are pressed completely together, and Alec can feel Magnus' chest rising and falling with each breath, can feel the warlock's pulse jumping under his touch, and when he drops his gaze to Magnus' eyes, he's sucker punched in the stomach with the look of open vulnerability there. 

He swallows, nervous suddenly. 

"You're sure?" Alec asks. He needs Magnus to say it. To hear out loud that Magnus wants this and him as much as Alec wants Magnus. 

Magnus waits a second before responding, his breathing is still fast, and he's warm everywhere he's pressed against Alec, and for a terrifying moment, Alec thinks that Magnus is going to say no. 

"I trust you," Magnus tells him eventually, his voice soft, barely above a whisper. 

"Good. I'm not going anywhere." 

He can't believe that of the two of them, it's Magnus with that particular fear. Like Alec hasn't been caught in his orbit since the minute they met. He's run before, he knows that, but he always turns back at the last hurdle. Unable to walk away. He doesn't think he ever will be. The thought sends liquid heat down his spine, and he takes care to press forward as slowly and gently as possible, giving Magnus every opportunity to change his mind. 

"Good," is all Magnus says in response before pushing forward the last few centimetres to press their lips together once more. 

It's not as frantic now. 

It's funny, Alec thinks, as he presses Magnus down onto the red silk sheets, and Magnus spreads his legs allowing Alec to kneel between them, to press his thigh between Magnus' and place his elbows on either side of Magnus' head, unable to stop kissing him as they press together, gasping into each other's mouths, that he is the blushing virgin, but all he wants to do is make this special for Magnus. 

Magnus has given him his trust. Has shown nothing but patience while Alec has figured this whole thing out. Alec thinks about the disarmed look on Magnus' face when Alec presented him with such a small, insignificant token as the Omamori had seemed to Alec. Had confessed his own vulnerability, had admitted to his own fears for their relationship, and has decided to trust Alec anyway. 

Magnus has no idea just how incredible he is, Alec thinks as he sits up ever so briefly and pulls his shirt over his head before falling back down onto Magnus again, unable to keep his lips off the other man. He can't believe he can have this. After years of looking and never even hoping to touch, of pining for Jace, and staring at other Shadowhunters, at Mundanes he saw while on missions, of never daring to believe that he would be here, a beautiful man beneath him, willing, wanting him in return. And to have this with Magnus? There haven't been words invented for what that knowledge does to him, or, if they have, he hasn't learned them. 

His hands move to Magnus' waist, under his shirt, and are met with warm, smooth, hard flesh and a hum of appreciation from Magnus. Magnus presses himself forward off the mattress, and Alec goes with him until he is straddling the other man. The move had taken no effort whatsoever and had been so fluid, Alec can't catch his breath for how turned on he is. Underneath soft movements, light touches and an always soft voice, Magnus is so strong and powerful. He may allow Alec to take the lead in all that they do, but Alec has no illusions about the force of nature that lies just beneath Magnus' beautiful skin. He wants to bring it to the surface. He wants Magnus to hold nothing back. 

Magnus raises his hands above his head and Alec takes the hint, running his hands up the taut skin of his stomach and chest, bringing his shirt with them, and pulls it off, tossing it aside to join his own somewhere nowhere near them, and for the second time, he's presented with the beautiful expanse of Magnus' dark skin, the solid strength of him, the pure elegance of him. He wants to touch and taste and explore, but all he can do is kiss Magnus again. He's getting drunk on the taste of Magnus' lips. Wants to spend all day every day for the rest of forever tasting them, drinking from them, pressing them against his own until he can't tell where his end and Magnus' begin.   
The press of their chests together, skin against skin, sends tingles all over Alec, and he can't stop running his hands over every available inch of Magnus' skin. He can feel Magnus' hands do the same to him, and it's almost too much. Sensory overload. He doesn't know how he's going to survive this, he's so far gone already. 

"Is it always like this?" He asks, stupidly, when they break apart for air. 

The question catches Magnus off guard, he can tell, and it's Magnus' turn to cup a hand to Alec's face and look at him with such wonder that Alec has to close his eyes, has to look away just for a moment, away from the intensity of Magnus' gaze before he says something even more stupid. 

"No, Alexander. It's never been like this." 

Never? 

Alec opens his eyes, and looks back at Magnus. 

"Never?" 

The uptick in his voice, the blatant surprise, the wonder, Alec wants to kick himself for sounding like such an innocent virgin, but then Magnus smiles a delighted smile at him, and all the heat is lost for the moment, it's lying dormant, thrumming just below the surface, but not needed right this second. 

"There are many different kinds of firsts," Magnus tells him patiently, and Alec moves his hands, one holding Magnus by the waist, the other coming to rest on the curve between Magnus' shoulder and neck, gripping steadily. 

"Sex is nothing, Alexander," Magnus continues, "it's the press of two bodies together and can be as important or as trivial as you make it. You can have sex with someone you hate. With someone you are don't even know. I've had sex with thousands of people over the years, some I remember, and others I was so totally indifferent to that I barely recalled their names by the time I had left their beds. Sex is easy. This?" He moves his thumb to press against Alec's lips, ever so softly, "this is terrifying." 

"You don't have to be afraid of me, Magnus," Alec tells him, his voice husky to his own ears. He doesn't know if it's from the kissing or the emotion of the moment. 

"Oh Alexander," Magnus sighs, softly and fondly and completely disarmed, "yes I do." 

Alec takes in the statement, looks at the sadness in Magnus' eyes, and feels like an ass. Magnus had said he trusted him, and maybe he did, but Alec had thought that he had a monopoly on insecurity in this relationship. He thought the only thing to be afraid of was this next step. It never even occurred to him that this was the first of many next steps. He listened to what Magnus wasn't telling him. Magnus trusted him that he wasn't going anywhere right now, but what about in a year's time? Two years? Five? 

Alec can't see the future, and maybe Magnus was wrong, and he was the one that would break Alec's heart. He feels sick at the thoughts of it. He tries to imagine how he might feel at the prospect of a broken heart after probably hundreds before it. He pictures Magnus' surprise at the silly little gift. At his hesitation tonight. This might be Alec's first time, but it was so much more for Magnus. Magnus cared about Alec, Alec knows it, is confident enough in that fact that he didn't feel stupid thinking it, but for someone like Magnus, caring is the scariest thing in the world. He might be ready to take the next step in their sex life, but Magnus isn't ready for the next step in their emotional one. 

Alec leans forward and kisses him. Soft, chaste, light, and poured everything he could into it. Magnus sits still as a statue, accepting the kiss but barely pressing back.   
"You're right," Alec tells him when he pulls away. "We're not ready." 

"I thought you wanted this?" Magnus looks confused and adorable, like he's trying to regain his footing after Alec pulled the rug out from under him. 

"I do," Alec agrees, manages a smirk as he presses his hips closer to Magnus and lets him feel just how much, "I really do. But, I figure, I've waited this long, what's a little longer?" 

"Why?" Magnus asks. 

"Because you're right. Sex is as big or as small a deal as we make it. And I'm ready, whenever you are. For the record. But someone really smart told me there are a lot of different kinds of firsts," he keeps his voice light and teasing and is beyond relieved at the smile Magnus gives him. "I figure if there are lots of firsts, we should cross some more off the list. What's the rush for this particular one?" 

Magnus surges forward and kisses him and Alec meets it just as enthusiastically, happy in the knowledge that it's going nowhere and they both know it. 

"I haven't been surprised in a hundred years," Magnus tells him after the kiss, wrapping his hands lightly around Alec's waist and pulling him as close as possible. "How is it that you do it with such ease?" 

"I don't know," Alec tells him honestly, "but I'm glad." 

 

Alec wakes with the dawn, a habit ingrained after years of training. The sun is peaking through a slight gap in the curtains but hasn't reached the bed yet. There's just enough of a glow in the room to illuminate the outline of Magnus beside him, still fast asleep. Only their legs are touching, tangled together between the sheets, the silk cool against his bare skin. He's in his underwear, and knows Magnus is the same. The sheets have become tangled overnight from their movements in their sleep, and both of them are bare from the waist up. 

Magnus is on his stomach, head turned to face Alec, a hand outstretched into the space between them on the middle of the mattress. They'd fallen asleep in a similar position the night before, lying on their sides, just a couple of feet separating them, fingers intertwined as they talked and whispered, sharing secrets and stories. It had been a first for Alec that he had never even let himself imagine. The simple intimacy of something. He understood now, better even than last night, what Magnus had meant. Falling asleep together, holding hands, the press of their legs together. The secret histories they had shared. It had been so much more than any kind of sex could have been. 

Alec knows he should get up, get dressed and get to the institute. He needed to check in, but he can't bring himself to move from this bed, from the soft, quiet, calm that has descended upon him, that only comess when he's with Magnus these days. Here, in this bed, in this bubble they have created, he can leave the rest of the world behind. 

His problems with Jace, his concerns over Izzy. He's worries about Valentine. His guilt. It's like Magnus has set up wards around him, around them and his loft, and nothing can permeate them. But as soon as he gets up, gets dressed and steps back out onto the street, he knows it will all come flooding back, and as selfish as it is, he wants to hold onto this feeling for just a little longer. He stays where he is, eyes half closed, reaches out a hand and places it on the mattress beside Magnus'. Not quite touching, but close enough that a simple stretch of his fingers and they will be. He doesn't stare at Magnus as he sleeps, instead, he watches the light from the window as it stretches out across the bedroom floor as the sun rises until it climbs up the foot of the bed and across the sheets. Up Magnus' back, illuminating his already perfect skin, and then the whole room is bathed in a warm yellow glow and Alec has never felt more at peace. 

He wants to be that for Magnus, he decides, as the Warlock shuffles around in his sleep and reaches out to grab Alec's hand before settling down once again. He had stopped things last night because while it was right for him, it hadn't been right for Magnus, even though Magnus had trusted him, the trust alone hadn't been enough. Magnus is his peace. His safe place. Magnus is where he comes when everything else around him threatens to consume him. He is completely safe in the knowledge that Magnus will catch Alec if he starts to fall. 

Alec just needs to convince Magnus that it works both ways. 

 

It's Max that gives Alec the idea, when he's back at the Institute. The arrival of his mother and brother from Idris has saved him from Izzy's interrogation and it had been in part, welcome. Alec had gone to Izzy about sex, but he doesn't want to talk about the way he'd actually spent his night. That was for him and Magnus alone. 

When his mother mentions Jocelyn, Alec stamps down on the swell of guilt that rises from the pit of his stomach and up his throat like bile, and does his best to remain stoic. He'd been cleared of any wrongdoing immediately, there had never been any question of it. Izzy and Jace had both tried to talk to him about it, even Magnus, but no matter who told him it wasn't his fault, the fact was that he wasn't strong enough. He'd failed, and someone had died. Clary and Jace's mother had died a horrible, painful death. Her blood was on his hands, and the emotion in his mom's voice was too much. 

So when Maryse runs after Izzy, he pushes the swell back, and instead talks to his little brother who has gotten so much older in such a short space of time. He's growing up right before Alec's eyes, and Alec feels like his missing so much of it. 

"Mom doesn’t like you having a warlock boyfriend," Max tells him in the blunt way that only a child would, and Alec tries not to wince in front of his brother. Maryse's disapproval he can handle. He's dealt with it practically his whole life. But he hadn't realised Max knew. Had wanted to be the person to talk to him about Magnus. 

"And you?" Alec asks, terrified of the answer. 

He thought he'd gotten over this fear. Has been out with Magnus several times. He spent the night in Magnus' bed last night. He had promised himself he wasn't going to be ashamed of this part of him anymore. But this was his kid brother. Max's approval mattered so much more than the rest of the world that he didn't care about. 

"Whatever," Max tells him, "I don't care." 

It's not a glowing approval, but it's Max, and it's Max telling him he doesn't care who Alec dates, and Alec will take it. 

He spends the morning with Max after that, and neither of them mention Magnus again. He learns about Max's trials, and tries to distract him from the family drama as much as possible, though he can't help but worry about it himself. 

The first opportunity he gets, he goes to Magnus and suggests the party. He expects to be met with resistance, and he's glad when Magnus doesn't disappoint. 

"That woman hates me," Magnus tells him and Alec resists rolling his eyes. 

Alec is perfectly well aware of how Maryse feels about Magnus. He doesn't know if he wants to believe it's because he's a Warlock, or because he's a male Warlock who is dating her eldest son. 

"That's sort of the point of the party," Alec explains to him, "so that she can see that this, us," he gestures between them, "it's not going away." 

It takes Magnus a second, but then he smiles, ever so slightly, and Alec wishes he knew what was going through his boyfriends mind. He's glad though, that he seems to have said the right thing, for once. 

"You sure about this?" Magnus asks, still needing that reassurance, and Alec forces himself to stay where he stands, and not push Magnus on this. If it takes him years, he will make Magnus believe him when Alec says he's not going anywhere. 

"Why wouldn't I be?" He asks in return with as much deliberation as he can muster into the question. 

It does the trick and he can literally see the moment Magnus accepts it. 

"Then I better get to work," the Warlock tells him with a grin, and pats his arm has he moves away to begin planning. 

Alec watches him go, can feel the stupid smile stretching across his face and wonders how Magnus can't see just how far gone Alec is on him already. He will though. Alec will make sure of it. 

Proving it to Magnus means proving it to everyone. When Maryse calls Magnus Alec's "warlock friend", he waits for his opportunity and takes it. He tells his mom in no uncertain terms that he and Magnus are together and it's not going to change. By the time he walks out of her office, he feels lighter than he expected to. 

He's given up hope of her approval of his relationship. He's given up expectations of her showing her maternal instinct above her Shadowhunter duty. But he's not going to let her look down on Magnus because of who she perceives him to be. She is ignorant, just like he once was. He remembers with a degree of shame how he'd spoken about Magnus before they'd ever met, talking about "overpaying some warlock", refusing to get involved in Downworlder business, mocking Izzy for her relationship with Meliorn. Even for referring to Simon as "the vampire". He and his siblings have changed so much, and learned so much in such a short space of time. And maybe his mom is too far gone, but Magnus is in his life, hopefully for a long time to come, and Alec is not going to hide him away like something he is ashamed of. He wants Maryse to see that. He wants Max to meet him, and know him. If that means pushing Maryse out of her comfort zone, then so be it. 

Magnus portals him to the loft before the party begins, with strict instructions not to attempt to dress himself. Alec can't help but scoff and roll his eyes at the message, but does as he's told and steps into the loft in the gear he's been wearing all day. 

There are several people bustling about, and Alec cannot believe the amount of trouble that Magnus has gone to. A black girl is setting up a bar in the corner, from his conversations with Jace and Magnus, he guesses it's Maia, the werewolf bartender from the Hunters Moon, while a band gets set up in the opposite corner. In the centre of the room is a giant ice sculpture of the Angelic Rune, and he can hear several voices coming from the kitchen area. Magnus is waiting for him, looking at his reaction, and all Alec can do is smile. 

"Spanish theme?" He asks, looking around. 

He'd told Magnus last night about his parents, how they had met and fallen in love in Barcelona, had confessed that he couldn't picture them young and carefree and in love when all they ever seemed to do now was disapprove of everyone and everything. Magnus had told him that Alec, Izzy and Jace (and he was sure Max) were proof that there was once, or even still was, goodness in the Lightwoods, just buried deeply beneath years of hardships and disappointments and shattered dreams. 

Alec had kissed him and wondered how the world had done that to his parents, and yet Magnus, the one with demon blood, had remained good, and kind. He hadn't asked out loud. Magnus had given enough of himself for one night, but Alec looked around the room right now, at Magnus' attempts to honour the Lightwood parents, and it struck him once more. 

"Do you like?" Magnus asked him. 

"It's perfect," Alec told him as they stepped into each other's space and Alec bent ever so slightly to brush his lips against Magnus'. He loved that he got to do this. To make such a small gesture, whenever he wanted. That Magnus was his, or at least enough his that he could reach out and touch, and kiss, and be certain of his welcome. He hoped it never stopped feeling like this. 

"I got you a suit," Magnus tells him after the kiss has ended, "It's hanging in my room, no offence but I didn't trust your tastes." 

Alec smirks. 

"My taste is excellent," he tells the Warlock and steals another kiss before pulling away quickly and moves towards the bedroom. He doesn't look back despite the desire to see Magnus' face. 

The party is as horrendously awkward as Alec had thought it would be. Maryse smiles and brings a gift, making a veiled insult towards Magnus' drinking and then Max is completely out of line in so many ways that Alec barely recognises his brother. He says such ignorant, hateful things, and Alec cannot believe that for all her faults, Maryse would raise Max to think and behave this way. He's going to need to make it up to Magnus somehow, but he doesn't even know where to start. 

Then he sees Clary and she finally tells him what she really thinks of him. She calls him a murderer, and Alec thinks he's going to be sick. It's nothing he hasn't thought himself, and he's sure everyone else thinks the same, but in a way it's a relief to finally hear the truth from someone. From Clary. It's all too much and he flees, leaving her in the hallway, while he makes his escape to the roof. 

She's absolutely right, he's standing at this party, drinking and smiling and introducing his boyfriend to his family and acting like he thinks he has any right to happiness, like he deserves to have this. After what he did? It's just further proof that he doesn't deserve any of this. He knows how they all look at him. What they think of him, how they must whisper behind his back. Murderer. Disgrace. Failure. 

He knows how they must all wish him dead instead of Jocelyn. How Clary and Jace and Luke must hate him. How can they even look at his face after what he did? His was the last face Jocelyn saw before she died. His were the hands that dug into her chest and stopped her heart. How could Magnus bear to be touched by these hands?   
He looks down at them as he stands at the ledge, and he swears he can still see them covered in blood. He hears a door opening behind him and he turns around to find Clary has followed him.

"Clary I'm sorry," he says, and he's never meant anything more in his life. 

She won't listen. Instead she tells him how much she blames him. How he called her weak, told her she didn't belong, told her she wasn't a real Shadowhunter, but how he should have been talking about himself. He was weak. He let a demon in. He murdered her mother. 

She's right. 

He climbs onto the ledge and looks down at the traffic passing below. 

It's the only way, he decides. 

He can't live like this. He can't make Clary look at his face, he can't fight side by side with Jace with the spectre of Jocelyn standing between them. He can't touch Magnus, beautiful pure Magnus with blood stained hands. 

He takes one last look at Clary. 

She deserves this, he decides. 

Blood for Blood. That's how the werewolves do it. Luke deserves this. Jace deserves this. They deserve his blood for the blood he took. They'll be better, happier, safer, without him, without his weakness endangering them. 

The second he makes the decision, he feels peace. 

He holds out his arms, and he falls. 

 

When he comes to, he's sitting on the ground, his back against the wall and everyone is standing around him looking so utterly wrecked and worried. Magnus is standing apart from them all, holding a book and looking deeply concerned. His mom is there, clutching at his face and asking if he's okay. He's never seen such panic in her eyes. She looks like his mom, not the soldier he has come to expect, and after a moment, the fog lifts and he remembers. 

He doesn't even have time to digest what's happened. What he nearly did. What he did do, if not for Magnus, he's guessing. Magnus' book disappears and they proceed to search everyone in the loft but it's nowhere to be found. His Mom takes Max back to the Institute. As she's leaving she pauses in front of him, and it looks like she wants to say something, she reaches her hand out and pulls away at the last second, and Alec wonders if this chasm between them will ever be bridged, but now is not the time and so he lets them leave and returns to the search. 

He's caught the worried looks everyone's been giving him since the spell was broken, but he doesn't know what to say to any of them, and now is certainly not the time or the place. 

Magnus captures Iris but it's too late. Valentine has the book, and they make the connection with Clary, and as bad as everything was, it's worse now. By the time they all part ways, Magnus looks exhausted. He's sitting on the couch in the middle of the room drinking what Alec thinks is some kind of scotch. The sangria has been disposed of. The loft is still a mess, but when Alec tries to clean it for something to keep his hands occupied Magnus stops him with a gesture, waves his hand, and everything is back in place. 

Alec will never get tired of seeing the simple way Magnus uses his magic. The quiet power behind it. But tonight, he'd really wanted something to keep his hands busy. It's just the two of them. Jace had gone to bed with a significant glance at Alec, and Alec knows he's not off the hook there either, but Jace was respecting that he wasn't the only man in Alec's life anymore. That maybe Alec didn't need his parabatai right now, but his boyfriend, and Alec is grateful deep in his bones for this quiet understanding that will always exist between them. 

"Good party," Alec tells Magnus as he stands in front of him, looking down at the Warlock who is staring into space. 

"One of my livelier ones in a while, I'll admit," Magnus muses, "I think your mom was impressed, I'm sure our relationship will be smooth sailing from here on out. And Max." 

Alec has never seen Magnus seem so dejected. No matter how desperate things have gotten, Magnus always manages a smile, brittle though it may be. 

"Forget about my mom," Alec tells him, "I don't care what she thinks. I want her to like you because there's nothing not to like. But her ignorance is her loss, not mine."   
Magnus looks at him at that, and manages a smile, but it's distracted. 

"Honestly Alec? I'm used to Shadowhunters hating me for one reason or another. You and your friends are the exception, not the rule. I won't lose sleep over it. My spellbook? That one might keep me awake." 

"We'll get it back," Alec tells him and crouches down in front of him and rests a hand on his knee. Magnus looks at it like he can't quite figure out what it is.   
"We haven't been very successful in finding Valentine so far." 

"We've no choice now. We'll figure it out. I'm not letting anyone else get hurt." 

"Oh Alexander," Magnus says finally really looking at him. "This is war. People get hurt. People die. And when that happens, as I promise you it will, that blood will not be on your hands." 

Magnus reaches out to put his hand on top of Alec's, but Alec pulls away as though he's been burned. 

"I don't want to talk about it," Alec says and stands back up, moving away and turning his back on Magnus. 

"You're going to have to eventually. No one blames you Alec, least of all Clary," he hears Magnus stand up and come up behind him, not touching, but standing close. "What you did tonight, I've been there and I'm here to tell you, that it's not a way out." 

"I know that," Alec says finally, "it was the spell. I never would have done that, if not for the spell." 

He doesn't sound nearly as certain as he would like, and Magnus doesn't respond. 

"I think I'm going to stay at the Institute tonight," Alec eventually says turning back around. "Check on everyone. You'll be ok?" 

Magnus smiles a weak smile and gestures around the loft. 

"It appears to me I can look after myself," he sounds sarcastic, and it doesn't suit him, Alec decides. "Besides, I have a live in Shadowhunter to protect me." 

"That's not what I meant," Alec says. 

He doesn't want to fight with Magnus. It's been a long day and if he's honest with himself, all he wants to do is cross this distance between them and pull Magnus against him, bury his face in Magnus' neck and never let go. He just doesn't know how to take that first step right now, and the irony of thinking of it as 'the first step' is not lost on him. 

"Of course," Magnus acquiesces too easily, "forgive me, it's been a long day. I'm just tired and taking it out on you. Would you like me to make you a portal?"   
Alec considers it. He'd be home in the next few seconds, but there is a restlessness itching under his skin that he hasn't been able to shake for the past hour since the battle he wasn't a part of ended. 

"No," he answers, "I think I need the walk." 

Magnus looks like he wants to say something to him, but thinks better of it, and they stare at each other in awkward silence for a beat too long, and then Alec turns to leave. 

He's managed a few steps towards the door when he stops, turns around and walks back to Magnus. He's making a habit of this. 

Magnus looks up at him, eyes full of questions. 

Alec kisses him and Magnus' hands immediately move to Alec's waist.

"I'll call you tomorrow," Alec tells him. 

"Call me tonight," Magnus counters. "Let me know you got home okay." 

He deserves that level of paranoia after tonight, Alec supposes, and kisses him again. 

"Okay," he says, "I'll call you tonight." 

It's a first step towards something, Alec decides on his way home. He doesn't know towards what, or what waits for him at the Institute or in the weeks to come, but he knows what's waiting for him at a loft in Brooklyn, and it's a first step.


End file.
